CrashText

I’ve been working with my son’s scout troupe lately, and overheard this conversation on the way back from a camping trip recently…

[Older Scout]: (As the van is slogging up a hill) We’re going too slow. We may need to lighten the load by throwing some of the younger guys out the back.

[Whiney Young Scout]: Nuh uh! If you do, my mom will sue you!

[Older Scout]: No she wouldn’t. She would sue the scout master.

[Whiney Young Scout]: Well, she would sue you too!

[Older Scout]: (amused) Well, I’m going to sue your grandma.

[Whiney Young Scout]: No you won’t. You don’t even know where my grandma lives!

Whiney Young Scout had a good point about the unknown identity of his grandmother. But what I want to know is: what ever happened to ‘My dad is going to beat up your dad’?

I've never actually heard of this 'tagging' thing, but since Dalton Girl was kind enough to tag me, I'm gonna do it.

Four Jobs I've Had
1. My first job (aside from paper-boy duty) was as Bottle Boy. I sorted all the bottles and cans that people returned for deposits at a small grocery store in Portland, OR. Strange fact that I learned – apparently it is a legal requirement that all beer bottles be returned with a half-inchof rancid beer and/or a couple of cigarette butts left in the bottom.
2. Software tester for WordPerfect.
3. Software tester for crappy financial planning software.
4. Software tester for Top Spin – the best selling tennis video game ever. (All in all, I think the bottle boy gig was probably the best. Cause hey, every once in a while… Free soda and bottle caps!)
 
Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over Again
1. Raising Arizona
2. Cabin Boy
3. The Blues Brothers
4. Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo (Just kidding – I had to put a smarmy answer in there somewhere. I’ll say The Purple Rose of Cairo instead.)
 
Four Places I've Lived
1. Portland, Oregon (If you live a good life, say your prayers and read your scriptures, when you die, you’ll go to Oregon.)
2. Provo, Utah
3. Gifu, Japan
4. Kent, Washington
 
Four TV Shows I Love
1. Lost
2. Smallville (I know it is stupid, but I like it anyway. I’m a sucker for super-hero shows, even if everyone acts they should be on Dawson Creek.)
3. Boston Legal
4. Spongebob Squarepants
 
Four Highly Regarded and Recommended TV Shows That I've Never Watched a Full Episode of
1. Survivor (or any other “reality” show, though that Makin’ Play-Do Sculptures With The Stars looks pretty good.)
2. Will and Grace
3. CSI: Anything
4. The A-Team (I’m pretty ashamed of this one. Please don’t tell.)
 
Four Places I've Vacationed
1. Disneyland
2. Sedona, Arizona
3. My parent’s house
4. Deborah’s parent’s house
 
Four of My Favorite Dishes
1. Gyoza (as made by my wife, who was taught by Dalton Girl – Thanks D-Shimai. See I still remember and love you.)
2. Pizza from The Flying Pie Pizzeria in Portland.
3. Steak from the Stony River steakhouse in Atlanta, Georgia.
4. My own special blend of Fruit Loops, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios and Sugar Smax. It’s like a sugar bomb in your mouth!
 
Four Sites I Visit Daily
1. Ain’t It Cool News
2. PVP Online
3. MacRumors.com
4. IGN.com (Game news)
 
Four Places I'd Rather Be Right Now
1. The Justice League command center
2. Aboard the Enterprise with Captain Kirk on the Bridge
3. Eating lunch at the cruise ship buffet at a table with Gordon B. Hinkley, Steven Jobs, Walt Disney (after he is thawed out and cleaned up) and Mary Tyler Moore.
4. Floating down the Lazy River with my loving family
 
Four Bloggers I Am Tagging
1. Clariticity
2. Clariticity
3. Clariticity
4. Clariticity (Let’s face it. Banzai and Leslie-Chan are the only two people on the planet who read this. And since she tagged me, there aren’t a lot of other choices. Thanks for reading it though – even though I go months without updating. It is nice to know you still care.)

Deborah: And the angels said, "Peace on earth, goodwill towards men."

Rachel (age 7): And women!

Samuel (age 9): And wolf-men!

Hannah (age 5): And dogs!

Benjamin (age 12): (Says nothing. Just rolls his eyes toward heaven as if pleading for help.)

Kidney stones.

Ouch.

Yup. Apparently, I was bitten by a radioactive oyster, and now my body is producing cheap jewelry for the masses.

Well, okay – it was only one stone. But it felt like I had swallowed a whole barrel full of red-hot, poisonous gravel. Still, much like a very special episode of Mr. Belvedere, there are many lessons that can be learned by enduring pain.

1. It is possible to hear yourself say, “don’t you have anything stronger than morphine?”
2. There is nothing quite so surreal as discussing your urinary tract and the contents of your pee with your in-laws over Thanksgiving dinner.
3. It is possible for a grown man to cry, even without making him watch a 3 hour production of The Vagina Monologues performed by BYU’s Young Ambassadors.
4. Upon hearing of your condition, 98.7% of all people will compare the passing of kidney stones to childbirth.
5. Over all, kidney stones are the better end of the bargain, since you don’t have to save money to put them through college.
6. People will forgive you of any debt or obligation if you just start a sentence with the words, “I’m sorry, I meant to [insert your obligation here], but I've been kind of busy trying to get rid of these kidney stones…”
7. Given enough time, drugs and daytime television, you can pretty much endure anything.
8. The old adage, “this too shall pass” has layer after layer of meaning.

That about does it. Sorry, I meant to come up with 10 lessons, but I've been kind of busy trying to get rid of these kidney stones…

In case you are wondering though, I'm done with all that now. I am stone free and high on life.

It’s my fault I suppose. I was listening to the Mulan Rouge soundtrack while doing the dishes. But while I was driving Hannah and her pal to preschool, I heard her say, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Boys are friends with circles and rectangles.”

Avast. Arrr. And let us not forget Aye Aye.

I have no idea what these words mean, but they are way fun to say. And today is the day to do so.

So shiver your timbers, pour yourself a mug of grog and go wild.

Here are some links that may help get you in the mood…

• The official Talk Like a Pirate web site.
• A pirate name generator. Mine is “Pants-Down Argus”
• A flashing monkey with a special message just for CrashText readers.
• The Pirate Movie on Amazon.com, in case you want to really get in the mood. You can never go wrong with Kristy McNichol (I used to be in love with her. She was the only one who could sooth my broken heart after Valarie Bertinelli married Eddie VanHalen.)
• And finally, a fist full of pirate jokes.